AND FINALLY (OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES)

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five year old shout from the back seat, “Mum, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

POLICE

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment my police dog partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

ELDERLY

When delivering lunches to elderly people, I would sometimes take my four year old daughter with me. She was always intrigued by the various appliances of old age, especially the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” replied her father. “You know it always gives you a headache the next morning” was the little girl’s reply.

DEATH

While walking in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five year old son and his playmates had found a dead bird. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box with string, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.” (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

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