The last one is my favourite….

Philosophers of the Past Century
The only reason they say ” Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars , but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hanwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly , he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind : every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Old Italian proverb